Good news people my Epic story entitled an Epic Tale is now returning to it's origins. I stopped posting because the original Epic Tale topic went down and if bumped it I would get banned for making (or reviving) a sorry thread. Then I ported it to therarewitchproject forums and it stayed there until I ported it back here. So now gotta update two sites at a time so expect a delay. This is how far we've gotten.

Chapter 1
Ordinary

Epic was a ordinary person, he did ordinary things, and was very ordinary. So ordinary that you would think nothing unordinary would ever happen to him. He had a ordinary job in a ordinary insurance company and was in a ordinary cubicle with a bunch of other ordinary people. And if you where one of the people that would think he's to ordinary to be true you're wrong. One day his ordianry boss told him to go to his office. Epic didn't know what his boss would like to tell him but he guessed it was ordinary. So he went to his boss's office.
His boss, Mr. Ordinary told him "This company is losing money!"
Epic said
"Why is it losing money?"
"Because we are to ordinary"
"So why did you tell me to come?"
"Because you're one of the ordinary people who are making it ordinary."
"Continue"
"You're fired!"
"This is madness!"
"Madness? Madness? THIS IS INSURANCE!!!!!!!!!"
"You've been watching too much 300."
"Now you're even more fired!"
"How can you fire me more then fired?"
"Because I can!"

Suddenly Epic heard a gunshot.
He heard some screams.
"You're a madman!"
"Shut the **** up!"
kapow
"You killed him!"
kapow
"What the **** man?"
kapow

Suddenly the door burst open.
In came a man in a black ski mask with a pistol.

"What are you doing in my building?"
Said Mr. Ordinary.
"Give me the ****ing money!"
"This is a insurance company not a bank!"
"Well where is the bank?"
"Down the street and take the first left on Goldy street."
"Thank you for you're time."
Kapow! Kapow! Kapow!

"Give me that gun!"
Said Epic and he slammed the cerial killer on the floor.
He took his gun and shot the cerial killer 3 times in the head.

After his adrenaline rush finished he realized he was the only one left in the building.
Everybody was dead.
Suddenly he heard sirens.

"Attention! Put you're hands in the air and come out!"

Epic was ****ed.

Chapter 2
All aboard hell

Epic was in jail, nobody likes jail.
But at least it isn't ordinary.
But it turns out, Epic liked ordinary.
So he and a bunch of cellmates decided to break out.

It was simple.
Johnny would eat the lock (Johnny was huge, he ate everything.)
Then Epic and Sam would knock out two guards and take there guns.
Once that was done, they would shoot out all the security cameras and they would open every cell and it would be one huge breakout.

It suceded.
Kinda.
Well while they where going out they forgot about the 5 watch towers.
Epic and Sam got out but went in different directions.

Epic soon realized that this jail was in Canada.
So Epic decided to look for directions.

The next day Epic came across a dock.
A very seriotypical fishing guy called to him.
"Hey you over there!"
"Me?"
"Yeah you!"
"What do you want?"
"Me and my crew are sailing at 4 in the mornin tomorrow and we missing a crew member, do you want to join us?"
"Sure, but I need a place to stay, you got one?"
"Yeah"
"You can sleep in that inn over there!"
"CHEAP!"
"Watch yer temper!"

So Epic slept at the inn, and since he was broke, he got out before they charged him.
The boat was pretty small.
The name of it was the S.S. Andrew Sucks ****, but everybody likes to call it the A.S.S..
The crew consisted of 5 people.
Epic, captain Sam, Bob, Sam, and Sped.

But this wasn't gonna be ordinary one bit.

Chapter 3
The the the very odd-essey

Epic wasn't happy.
Well who would?
He was being payed only $10 to go with them.
And the boat would keep rocking back and forth and he would hurl every 10 minutes.
There where five crew members on the boat.
There was Epic, captain Sea, Sam which was a fat ass, Slick which had a scar on his left eye, and Sped who was a genius.

While he was throwing up he noticed somebody in the distance.
It looked like a girl.
Actually two girls.
And they where singing a song.
He saw Slick come next too him.
He looked like he was high.
Then the girls came closer.
Epic was very suspicious.
He went to fetch the captains shotgun.
Then he came back.
The girls where now on board.
But suddenly, they started screaming.
And they turned to monsters.

"Sirens!!!!"
Cried sam.
"What the **** is wrong with you there is no ****ing si-"
A siren jumped at Captain Sea and she ripped out his heart.
Epic put a bullet into the shotgun aimed and fired the living **** out of that siren.

As soon as the other sirens saw this they charged for Epic.
The first tasted a good piece of buckshot which went through her head and hit the other siren.

Then somebody screamed "Reef!!!"
Then Sped said "That's no reef that's a crackin!"
Sam said "I like crack"
Then the cracken came out and grabbed the three and Epic jumped behind a crate.
The cracken ate them while Epic filled another bullet into the shotgun.

The cracken opened its mouth and started eating the boat.
Epic aimed and fired right into it's mouth.
It whaled and came back into the water.

The fuel tank in the boat exploded and Epic was knocked out.

Chapter 4
Dead

Epic woke up and realized everything was burning blue flames and it was dark.
WTF? He thought.

"I am the grim reaper!" Said a cloaked figure.
"Oh and we couldn't figure that one out by just looking at you're lame ass robe!"
"Well **** you! I spent $300 on this robe!"
"Well the guy who sold it to you ripped you off, and you where a retard to listen to him!"
"I got a better IQ then you bi-otch!"
"You wanna bet?"
"Yeah!"
"What does E equal?"
"Ummm......... well **** that lets review you're life."
"Yeah, change the subject *****!"
"Well lets see.... ordinary birth, ordinary childhood, ordinary adulthood, this makes **** look like gold."
"But what about my death?"
"Wow I can't tell you ow many people die from boats exploding."
"Wow you're pretty damn funny."
"Lets go to the underworld."
"But where are we now?"
"We are in the first level of the underworld..."
"Hey whats that golden scroll over there?"
"Oh, thats just the prophecy's, people who die and are on that list live again."
"Well am I on that?"
"Highly doubt it, but I'll check it anyway."

The grim reaper went over to the scroll and started reading it. If you could not guess that already.

"Well lets see, what's you're name?"
"Epic"
"Umm lets see... Einstein, Elephant, Elferd..."
"Can I see that list?"
"Alright, you c check for yourself."
"Well I think I'm on it!"
"I didn't see you"
"Because it's only visible to mortal eyes."
"Well why the **** do that?"
"I don't know"
"Well what's you're prophecy?"
"To kill a evil fascist dictatorship which takes over the world."
"Umm alright, go do it, whenever you die you will just come back to life cause I am a busy person that doesn't want to have conversations with people every time they die."
"Alright. Wheres the portal to live again?"
"Take the second creepy looking door to the left."
"Thanks"

Chapter 5
It's a fascist world after all

Epic woke up on a metal floor.
He looked around him.
It seems he was in a lab that looks like it came out of a very disturbing movie.
There where severed heads and limbs hanging on hooks.
Their was blood everywhere and there where tubes with the green liquid thing you always see in movies.
And there was a big door.
On that door was the letters N.U.T.S..
He got up from the ground and noticed a guard with a spear that on the sharp edge had bolts going around it.
Epic tried thinking about what to do.
He went with the first thing on your mind and that was to run for it!
He ran and the guard hit him with the spear and he got shocked and fell down and was knocked out.

He was once again in a dark room with blue flames.
"Wow you are the stupidest ***** I've ever seen in the 5000 years I've been working here." Said the Grim Reaper.
"What where you thinking running like that when the guy has a ****ing spear!"
"I was thinking that you should just give me another life *****!"
"Stupid prophecies, *****es think they can live forever, well ****ing take the door back to your life! What are you waiting for?"
"I don't know."

He was back in the lab.
Then the gourd said "You want to try that again or are you good?"
"I'm good, what does N.U.T.S. stand for?"
"Never Understood Terrible Society"
"Then what is your name?"
"I'm crusty nut trooper 12414"
"Interesting..."
"Yeah"
"You know, could the writer please make this story a little more appropriate for the younger viewers?"
"Ummmm..... alright, the fascist government organization is now called E.S.D."
"And what does that stand for?"
"Epic Sucks Dick now **** off!"
"You want to go buddy?"
"Yeah, lets take this outside!"

Chapter 6
Outside

Epic was outside.
But where outside, I dunno.
But there where some fields where there was a cow eating some grass.
"So this is pointless" said Epic.
"Now Epic, you will pay for insulting the writer!"
"I'll kick your ass any time *****!"
"Kill the cow."
"With what?"
"This golden gun."
"Why?"
"You'll see."
"Suddenly the cow was coming towards Epic."
"Moooooooooooooooooooooo!" Said the cow.
"Ummm what?"
"Moo mooo moo moo moo."
"Umm please repeat that."
Suddenly the cow started shaking.
"Mooo moo mooooo!"
It was shaking faster.
"MOOOOOOOOO!"
And faster.
"MOOO MOOOO MOOOOOOOOOO-"
It grew bigger and bigger then it exploded with all the guts and blood sprayed on Epic.
"Woah **** that was-"
Right there was a big scary-
"Can you not be a ***** and say alien, because then you will be ripping off Conker FOR THE SECOND TIME!"
Alright, alright, it was king kong!
"Oh ****!"
And he was pissed!
He grabbed Epic and snapped his back.
"Well that is anoying, when do I get to kill somebody?"
We'll see Epic, we'll see.